Help me
by BrandyGold
Summary: Gift for Marshyoftheblobs for a steve/tony exchange. Very angsty, mentions of parental abuse, homophobic name calling, self harm, all that angsty stuff. More coming later!
1. Chapter 1

Tony sighed, the light in his chest kept him up, shining like a damned floodlight. His chest ached if he lay on his stomach, and no blanket or shirt could keep it out. Tony yanked himself out of bed, deciding sleep wouldn't come any time soon and carded a hand through his hair. He looked over on the bedside table.

_3:24 AM_

"Fuck."

Tony wandered down to his lab, figuring he could find something to tinker with down there and punched in the code.

"Good morning sir, trouble sleeping?"

"Shut up Jay." Tony grumbled, pulling out a bottle of scotch and filling up a glass. "Pull up the drawings for the mark V."

Steve licked the peanut butter off the knife, and tossed it in the dishwasher. He stacked up his plates of peanut butter and banana sandwiches, fried eggs, and boiled potatoes and made his way to the elevator, lip of a glass between his teeth.

"-vis? F-oor thir-ee." He mumbled, and the AI informed him he was going to floor thirteen instead of thirty. Groaning, he decided to wait the ride out. He'd just and walk back down to the lounge floor and eat there. As the elevator doors opened Steve noticed the lab's lights were on. Curious, Steve shuffled down the hall, and shouted at the glass door.

"On-ee? To-ny! Hat you?"

Tony had ACDC blaring, as per usual. One of the benefits of being an insomniac engineer is that you can blast your music in a soundproof room. Tony got his music and the rest of the avengers could sleep through the night peacefully, everyone wins.

Tony had finished his second glass of scotch by the time Steve arrived. Still oblivious to his guest, Tony stripped down to a tank top and began tinkering with the newest Mark edition.

Steve winced at the painfully loud rock music, and searched the large lab for Tony. He found the man shoulder deep in an armored torso, a big one at that, and he set down his food on the floor to join his friend. Steve held up a triangle of peanut butter & banana and wafted it in front of the genius's mouth. He smothered a giggle and waited for his Tony "fish" to take the bait.

Tony, being so wrapped up in his work, didn't notice anything strange about a phantom sandwich in front of his mouth. He took a large bite out of the sandwich triangle before his brain registered the flavor. He followed the sandwich down to a pale hand and smiled, teeth full of peanut butter, at the soldier on the floor.

"Hy stevv!"

Steve smiled and held the sandwich for Tony so he could work while he ate. "I like your turtle impression." He grinned and used his free hand to eat some egg and potato. "You can't sleep either?" Steve asked and watched Tony carefully eat around his fingers. Suddenly the engineers tongue flicked over a finger to suck off the remaining peanut butter and Steve shivered from head to toe. He had been admiring Tony from afar ever since he had come into the new world, and often found himself caught up in the presence of the man. His bold intellect, his _dashing_ good looks and charisma had Steve infatuated. And tonight he hoped to press his luck a little.

"You know I have a few sleeping tricks," Steve started.

"Hey me too," Tony chuckled, nodding towards the scotch bottle. "Seriously though, if you've got a better idea I'm all ears."

"Well there's always exercise, drinking warm milk, a hot shower... Or a warm body." Steve winked, and offered another sandwich piece.

Tony chuckled, taking the second piece in his teeth. "Well, Natasha's the only female in the house and I'm pretty sure she'd stab us if we tried to lie next to her so, that one's out. Too drunk to exercise and I'd probably slip in the shower. Does that warm milk shit really work?"

Steve shook his glass. "You're welcome to try mine! And not as much as you think it does." Steve laughed.

Tony took the glass and sipped it, milk coating his mustache. "Not bad," he remarked, handing the cup back to Steve before tinkering with the suit.

Steve let his hand slide down Tony's arm, pretending to clean off a stray wire. He smiled softly at the genius, letting their eyes lock, and admiring the light amber color. "We could make this a thing, every time we can't sleep... We could enjoy each other's company." He tried, still stroking Tony's arm.

Tony's head raised in confusion, "I'm sorry, I must not have heard you right. Care to run that by me again?"

"You know what I mean Stark." He chuckled and let his thumb ghost over Tony's shoulder. "Since neither of us is able to sleep, I hoped we could enjoy a _night cap_ together."

Tony whipped around, knocking the glass out of Steve's hand, causing a huge mess on the floor. "Steve what are you doing!? Are you fucking with me or something? Because it isn't funny if you are!"

"Nothing is _wrong_ with me! I ... I thought we were hitting it off! I thought you liked me too." He looked to his friend, and steeled his heart. In a rash move, he took Tony by the back of his neck, and stole a kiss from him. He begged for affection when a breathless gasp escaped his lips, and griped Tony a little harder when he began to squirm. Steve hoped that Tony could see what it would be like, and realize he was wrong.

"Steve! Mmph!" Tony tried to squirm out of Steve's impressive grip but it was useless, the captain was so much stronger than him. Out of habit, he made a fist and punched Steve in the stomach, hard. It hurt him more than it ever would Steve but he just needed the distraction. The soldiers lips were ripped from his own and he panted as he finally got his breath back.

His anxiety spiked instantly and he felt around, trying to grab on something stable before he collapsed to the floor.

_You god damn, filthy little faggot!_

His father's screams echoed in his brain as he flashed back to the time his father caught him with his boyfriend.

"Tony, I-I'm sorry. I just thought you needed convincing..." Steve trailed off when he saw his friend trembling. "Tony? Tony, take it easy, deep breaths. I'm really really sorry alright?" He tried, holing his hands up in defense.

Tony let out a scream of pure agony, clutching his head and falling to the floor. Steve leapt into action, taking Tony's hands and holding them behind his back.

"Tony! Can you hear me? You're hurting yourself! ANTHONY!"

_Tony! Just what the fuck do you think you're doing?!_

_D-Dad! I-I _*smack* the back of his father's hand came across his face, hard, and Tony collapsed to the floor, his "boyfriend" booking it the second he got the chance.

_So! You like sucking cock do you boy? _A kick to the abdomen was next_. You're fucking disgusting! I should have known you were a fairy. Just one disappointment after another, aren't you Tony?_

Tony gasped, his throat constricting like someone's hand was around it. "Please!" he begged, crying into his chest and using his nails to cut into his skull. "Stop! please just stop!" Steve yanked his arms behind his back and Tony squirmed harder, panic strong in his chest now. His reactor was working overtime and if he didn't calm down soon….

"Please," he begged through clenched lips, turning his face towards his chest. "D-Don't make me suck it again, please! I'm not gay, please please I'm not gay!"

Steve let go of Tony, terrified he was harming him further. His friend's words burned his heart, and Steve felt sick to his stomach. He sat down where Tony could see him, and slowly tried to coax him out of his fit. "Tony, love? You're safe here ok? No one is going to hurt you. I'm... I'm so sorry, I didn't know..."

The calm serenity of Steve's voice somehow broke through the traumatic haze and Tony was tossed back into reality with a painful gasp. He gripped Steve's arm hard, steadying himself while he caught his breath. "S-Steve? What happened? Wha-Where are we?"

Steve swallowed his emotions, needing to appear strong for Tony. "Y-You couldn't sleep, and you were working on you suit when I came in." He said carefully and then backed away, trying not to crowd Tony for the next part. "You were so tired and I thought we were hitting it off... So I kissed you. But... You had an episode." He confided, and kept his hands up defensively.

Tony wiped his mouth furiously, as if trying to scrub off the previous action.

"You _kissed_ me!? What the fuck is wrong with you!? Are you gay!? Hasn't anyone ever told you being a fag is wrong Rogers! Why-why would you ever _willingly_ sleep with a man when there are plenty of desperate women out there?!" Tony didn't even realize he was screaming until Steve flinched away. It was in that moment he realized he had become his father. Horrorstruck, Tony's jaw dropped. The only noise in the room was the thin metal wrench falling to the floor with a clang.

"I-I got to go Steve. Now. I'm sorry, I- sorry."

With that Tony tore out of the lab, punching the elevator button and holding his breath until he was safely locked inside his penthouse.

"I'm sorry." was all he could say, and watched his distraught friend storm blindly up to his room. He shook his head, over and over, ashamed with himself for breaking into Tony's life so harshly. Steve badgered himself for a few minutes, gut twisting in agony over his choices of the evening. He staggered to his feet, near drunk off the adrenalin in his veins. Steve kept moving, knowing it would fade in a few moments. He made it all the way to Tony's door, before Jarvis stopped him. Steve knocked anyways. "Tony, I would like to apologize for my actions downstairs, and it was way out of line. You don't have to forgive me, and I don't expect you to. Just... Be careful?" He asked, voice cracking on the question.

"Steve?" Tony said behind the closed door.

"Yes! Tony it's me, please open up."

His feet were unsteady under him and he had to grip the knob tight just to stay standing. When he finally managed to open the door, he could barely see the soldier through tear filled eyes. Blood was dripping down his forearms to his wrists and he only managed to beg out a "help me," before collapsing unconscious on the hardwood floor.

Steve caught Tony just before he fell on the floor. He pulled the fallen engineer into his arms and rushed to place him on the bed before tearing through the bathroom for towels. Steve took two long hand towels and wrapped them around Tony's forearms. Thankfully, his wrists were untouched, he hoped Tony did that on purpose. As Steve applied pressure, Jarvis paged Bruce. Within minutes, the green tinged scientist had climbed the stairs, and lay down his medical bag. He worked faster than Steve could follow, injecting blood clotters, pain medications, and wiping down his arms with disinfectant. He pulled out surgical glue and began the slow process of closing the wound. As worked, the Doctor spoke softly.

"Do you know what caused this?"

Steve remained quiet.

"Did he say _anything _to you?"

"I didn't know." He confessed, wringing his hands to the point of bruising. "I... I kissed him and he had a ... Flash back."

Bruce stopped working. His hands were starting to shake with fury and his skin was beginning to morph into a familiar dark green.

"_Howard_." Bruce practically growled, "Right? I swear to God, if that bastard was alive I'd kill him with my bare hands. Wouldn't even need the Hulk."

Steve sat back on the chair and clutched his head. "I lived with him Bruce! I stayed in his house and I never knew! I've never seen him like that. He was _terrified_ of me. I-I think he thought I was Howard..."

Steve waited for Bruce to respond, to nod, to argue, anything. But the doctor stayed quiet.

"How can I apologize for this!?" He sobbed, shaking the blood covered towel in Bruce's face. It was his fault. He triggered Tony. He caused him to hurt himself…

Bruce sighed, already seeing the guilt building up and threatening to swallow Steve whole. He tore off one of his gloves and placed a hand on the soldier's shoulder.

"Tony needs help. _Professional _help. And a lot of it. This is something we can't force him into either or he'll just try to fight back more. What you did was innocent enough that in any other situation it would have just blown over. However, it wouldn't hurt to apologize for 'forward actions.' Try to avoid saying things like 'why didn't you tell me?' Or 'I wouldn't have done that if I'd known,' that will just trigger another attack. My best advice, pretend it never happened. Apologize for assuming and then wait for _him_ to talk to you. Tony likes you Steve, a lot. He's definitely not one for surprises though, at least romantic ones. You guys will get through this. I know it."

Steve nodded and leaned into Bruce's hand. "You're right. Thank you for being here for him when I wasn't. But do you really think not mentioning it is going to be alright? " he asked worriedly.

"I've seen Howard in action, first hand. I'm glad I can be there for him now, I wasn't always." Bruce still hated himself for leaving Tony alone after his father caught them. He was just a kid. And too scared of his own father...

Steve hesitated before hugging Bruce tightly, remembering the details of the flashback. "You were only a kid, don't blame yourself. Howard did this, not you." He sighed heavily. "Will you stay with him? Please? I don't want to be the first thing he sees when he wakes up. " Steve confided and began to collect the bloody clothes and towels, heading out the door to the laundry. "and tell me if he gets worse."

"Don't go too far ok? I still want you near. I'll have Jarvis notify you when he wakes up ok?" Bruce knew once Tony was back to normal he'd be practically begging to see Steve.

"I'll stay in my room, don't worry. And Bruce... If you ever need to vent, my studio is always open. I'm told I'm a good listener while I sketch. " he smiled and hugged Bruce one last time. Steve meandered down to the laundry room, tossed the load in, and nearly crawled back up to his room. He was emotionally exhausted, and needed to be somewhere dark and quiet. He changed into comfortable clothes, and sat on the edge of his bed, just looking at his hands, trying to find the part of them that gave Tony so much pain.

Tony woke up in a cold sweat, his heart beating furiously in his chest.

"Tony?"

The warm, honey voice filled his ears and he breathed in the familiarity. "Bruce," he smiled, letting his eyes slip back closed. "Buddy what happened?"

Bruce sighed, handing Tony a glass of water. "Trust me, you don't want to know. How about you just take it easy for a couple of days huh? Maybe focus on your sleeping. Steve told me you've been having trouble.

Tony nodded, sipping the water and looking over his body to see thick white bandages wrapped around each forearm.

"I did it again, didn't I Bruce?"

"What's that?"

"Relapsed."

"I don't think it counts as a relapse if it's the first time you've ever done it."

"But I hurt myself, again. Just in a different way, all because of my fucking father."

Bruce huffed, tired of hearing this same old tale. "Tony, fuck him ok? He's in the ground and he can't hurt you anymore. This is something we've talked about time and time again. He. Cannot. Hurt you. Do you understand me?"

Tony swallowed hard and nodded at the green tinted eyes. "Ok."

"Say it."

"He can't hurt me anymore."

"That's a good boy. I told Steve I'd tell him when you woke up, you up for some visitors?"

Tony nodded, biting his tongue and looking over his new bandages in shame.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: I would like to dedicate this chapter to my beautiful muse and co-author the green stag. I could have never written this without her. I would also like to thank Post U Later for leaving a review =] reviews make me happy and update quicker so that's why you got this today!**

**WARNINGS: Self-harm in this chapter. **

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Steve was in the shower when he heard the call. He yanked on some plain clothes and rushed towards Tony's room. He hadn't slept a wink, and his hands were raw from his nails. When he knocked on the door he got no answer. Opening the bedroom door he saw the room was empty. His heart rate skyrocketed in his chest.

"Sir?" The AI's voice came over the speakers, "Master Stark has been moved to the hospital wing of the tower to be kept under surveillance. You will find him there."

Steve's heart rate finally slowed, "Ok, thank Jarvis." He rushed down more stairs until he finally came to the right door. He knocked softly, needing to hear the permission to continue, more now than ever.

Tony's head turned towards the noise. Bruce had gone to his room to shower and change, leaving the suicidal engineer alone in his room. Probably not the wisest decision but Jarvis was always keeping watch.

"Come on in," he said to the person outside.

Steve quietly opened the door, and side stepped to the bed, careful to give Tony his space. "You look a little better." He tired, and immediately regretted it when Tony gave a sarcastic smile. "I wanted to apologize for my actions last night, and I am sorry for what happened to you. If I could, I would take it all back." He mumbled, not sure if talking about the kiss, or Howard's actions.

"So Bruce told you?" Tony winced, eyes going hard as the memories flashed behind them.

"Bruce only said that I should wait for you to tell me. He kept your secret. I simply guessed." He gave a halfhearted smile and began massaging Tony's hands, trying to get them to uncoil.

"Well, I'm sorry you had to see me like that. And I'm sorry if I scared you. You just caught me off guard. Probably not wise to do again. As for the kiss... are you gay Steve?"

Steve froze at the question. "Uh... I don't know about calling myself that. I just like people once I know them. Gender makes no difference." He frowned, hoping Tony wouldn't kick him out because of that. "I swear, I can keep a professional relationship going. But if you feel uncomfortable near me, I can move back to my apartment. I know nowadays, some folks understand, but a lot don't. I won't drag your name or the Avenger's though the mud."

Tony could see the internal battle Steve was having with himself and he decided to put a stop to it immediately. "Steve, you won't drag the Avengers through the mud. In case you are unaware, Bruce likes guys, Tasha likes both, Hell Thor likes everything with a pulse! I will _not_ make you feel bad for being who you were born to be, and I'm sorry if what I said earlier contradicts that…

The room was filled with an awkward silence and Tony responded in the only way he knew how, to keep talking.

"I don't know what you remember about my dad but he was not the good man he pretended to be. He was an abusive, neglectful, homophobic, drunk. My mother wasn't much better. I blame him for my inability to keep a normal, steady relationship. I don't even know what or _who_ I am Steve. I thought for the longest time I was gay but, he pretty much beat that out of me when I was 16. I don't think I'm straight either. I love Pepper, I really do. But I'm not physically attracted to her, at _all._ And you-" He stopped there. He wasn't really sure if he was ready to talk about his feelings for Steve. "Any way, I'm sorry for freaking out on you for kissing me. It wasn't the kiss that bothered me, it was the surprise attack. Kinda, triggered the past you know?"

When Tony brought up his father, bits and pieces of the past flashed back, thoughts of Howard freezing his lungs. He was clearly not the kind of friend Tony needed right now. How could he help Tony, when he knew _knew _he could have stopped it before it began. He had been charmed by Howard, fed an illusion and believed every lie that _"Tony swallowed cleaner again,"_ or that the bruises on his hips were from _"that damn mandatory football PE class."_

Steve had been blind. He could have saved Tony, but instead chose to believe the charismatic sociopath.

"Steve?"

"I... I'm late for my run with Sam. Tony, I'm sorry, I have to go-" he turned and half ran out the door, shame and guilt clinging to his chest like a metal vice.

Tony watched Steve flee out the room and sighed. It shouldn't have surprised him. Pretty much everyone left him after they learned just how damaged he was. The sharp sting of betrayal didn't fade though. He thought Steve was different. Hoped that maybe Steve could help fix him, show him friendship, maybe even make him believe in romance again. But all that hope flew right out the door with Steve.

Tony lay back against the hospital bed, scratching at the thick wrapping on his arms. Running over the cuts sparked a memory in Tony. He had been in extreme emotional pain the other night but when he drug the blade across his skin, the pain faded. Almost disappeared completely. Now the pain in his chest was back and it hurt worse than yesterday.

Tony glanced toward the door. Bruce still wasn't back from his shower and something told him Steve wouldn't be returning any time soon.

"Jarvis? Lock me in here. No one's to come in here without my permission, is that understood?"

The only response he received was the quiet clicking of a locking mechanism.

Knowing time was limited, he yanked himself up from the bed, moving over to the windows on either side of the door and pulling the privacy curtains shut. Sufficiently hidden, Tony scanned the room for what he needed.  
_Yes!_ Bruce had left his medical bag. Tony dug through it, knowing what he wanted immediately. From the bag he pulled out a small scalpel, a bottle of antiseptic, and a few packets of gauze before returning to his hospital bed. The craving for pain numbing endorphins was buzzing around in his brain like an angry bee. He needed that numbing feeling again; anything to take away the emotional strain on his heart. Laying back on the bed, Tony unbuttoned his jeans and slipped them down his hips. Cuts on his hips would be easier to hide.

He poured a bit of the antiseptic onto a gauze square, rubbing the wet material over the blade to sterilize it. Finally ready, Tony lined the tip of the knife with his hipbone and drug, watching the blood bead a trail following it. Instantly following the cut, the flood of endorphins were back and Tony let out a gasp of relief as the pain in his chest began to fade. He lifted the blade from his side and placed it on the previous gauze. He'd clean it later.

He grabbed a new piece of gauze and placed it over the wound before any blood could spill on the bed. He didn't really need or want the lecture from Bruce if he found out. Tony held the bandage to his skin until the bleeding on his hip stopped. He kept the gauze on top of the cut and pulled back up his jeans, hissing when the denim made contact with the fresh wound.

Tony scrubbed the knife clean and tossed the soiled gauze in the trash, along with his old arm bandages. "Genius' always cover their ass," he chuckled to himself as he put all the borrowed tools back in their proper place. He yanked back open the curtains and limped back into bed, giving Jarvis permission to open the door. The buzzing of endorphins grew stronger every time his pants rubbed against the cut and it made Tony smile as blissful numbness engulfed his body. The emotional pain was _gone_ and he could finally, _finally_ fall asleep, nightmare free.

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**Want more? Leave a review =] Got a couple more chapters to post and then I'm thinking we need some sort of happy ending. **


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